A Little Humor for Your Life – Need Excuses for Work? Pick One, lol!

I cant come into work today because my leg is stuck in the drain outside of my house, and the rescue team haven’t arrived yet to get it out.
I cant come to work because I lost the house keys I’m locked in.
Dave can’t come to work today because, I, his other personality has taken over and I dont work.
It is against my religion to work on Mondays and Wednesdays.
I  have amnesia, who r u? ………work?…………..I work?
I’d love to come to work today, but I got on the wrong train and I’m now in Edinburgh.
I’m just about to reach enlightenment, so I cant possibly come to work because it will disturb my practices.
I cant come to work because the aliens are coming tonight and I’m baking cakes to give to them as peace offerings.
I’m not coming to work today….. “why not?” ……. because….. I’m not
I  cant come to work because they are after me!!…………. “who?……………. Ahhhhhhhh(hear shouting and bangs) ………”hello?……………??”
My friend can’t come into work today because I knocked him out.
I saved so much money by switching to Geico I don’t have to work today
I’m sorry but my eyes are just in bad shape right now. I just cant see myself going into work today.
Sorry boss I cant go to work today because my car keys grew legs of their own and ran off!
Sorry I cannot take the job, When I was but a youngster a wise man told that there are two days a year that if you work you will surely die. I was so young that I forgot to ask what those two days were and now because of fear I cannot work any day of the year.
I can’t(grunt) come in to (grunt) work today, I HAVE (grunt) EXPLOSIVE DIARREA!!!!!!
I’m not sure when I’ll be in to work…I am in the shower and the shampoo bottle says to, “Lather, Rinse, Repeat.” I might be here for a loooong time.
I can’t come into work today, I have anal glacoma. What? I can’t see my butt coming into work!!!
I dont have my work clothes so I wouldnt be coming in today
I’ll be late for work today becuase I was on my way to the car, and see it was hot out so I decided I needed to take a break.

HAPPY, HAPPY Monday! It’ a rainy day around here as well as a bad witch day, lol!

Wouldn’t you just love to go to this quack, I mean doctor, lol! I have a doctor’s appointment here in just a bit. This is the doctor I just love to pieces, NOT! He is the one that draws off the fluid off my joints. I am still trying to figure this one out. Now I have a disease that eats all the sacks in my body that hold fluid. But now I have a doctor pulling fluid off the joints where these sacks are. Hmm…does that make any sense to you? I could have saved the insurance company a couple of hundred dollars by telling them to let the disease go. I just don’t understand doctors at all. All I know is every time I get hooked up with one I get screwed. So I try to avoid them much as possible.

Now about this morning, I was a good little witch. I got up at 5:00 ready to go. I went and made coffee and came back in here and curled up in the floor. The next thing I knew the phone was ringing at 9:00. Oh, crap! The first contractor was suppose to be here at 9:00. That was him on the phone waking me up. I don’t know what happened I just passed out. Then I had another contractor show up at 11:00. You see I am getting estimates on the house now. Fun, Fun, Fun!

But I planned on having your daily postings done by 8 am, who am I kidding, lol! I told you I ain’t a morning person. Now you believe it. I swear to you the WOTC will back to its normal self tomorrow. Whatever normal is for us, lol!

Have a very blessed day my dear family and friends,

Love ya,

Lady A

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Good Morning/Afternoon To All of Our Dear Family & Friends!

Good morning or afternoon depending on your time of day! We hope you are having a  good day. I wish I could say we were having a good day.  Thanks to the fire yesterday, we are now a computer short.  None of the fire department heard Lady A screaming at them, “the fire’s back here!” Instead they bust the door down of course, they are firefighters. Then they saw smoke coming through a vent right above Annie’s computer. One of the firemen picked up his ax and hit the vent. He came all the way down the wall right into Annie’s computer.  Her computer is destroyed. We are now one computer short. The insurance deductible is $500, so the insurance won’t cover it. I’ll take that back the insurance might pay some of it but not all of the cost of a replacement. The fire department said forget it. Lady A said the, never mind what she said. She decided she would take a break and go and check on the animals. She got a new cougar in this morning at 7:00 am. We had always heard about a mythological cougar that roamed these parts but we never believed it. We do now. This cougar came from here. He had been mauling horses, killing cattle and coyotes. He tried to kill one too many cows. A farmer almost shot him to death. I don’t understand it. These idoits around here will shot an animal till it is almost dead then call someone. What the hell? Do they like to see the animal suffer in torment? I mean, if they are that angry then why not finish the job. All of a sudden, they get a conscious and say oh, no I shouldn’t have shoot that poor creature. Well if that is the case, they shouldn’t pick up the damn gun to start with.  All they do is leave the vet and poor people like Lady A to stew and worry about pulling the animal back to life.

Lady A is outside right now with the burns on her arm and leg nursing that cougar. She doesn’t know if he is going to make it or not. But I guarantee you, she will do her best to make sure he does. Someone ought to go and get the damn fool that shot him and make him nurse the cougar. People like that wouldn’t though. If they had cared anything at all about animals, they would have never picked the rifle up to start with. I know the man couldn’t let him eat all his cattle but there are other ways to scare it off. Shoot up in the air, shoot over his head, make lots of noise, do something besides shoot him. It just upsets me to see Lady being so upset over an animal. She will stay with him till she knows he is out of the woods. We will end up taking her food too. I guess if the male cougar gets on his feet, our momma cougar will have a boyfriend. That will be a treat keeping them two apart. I don’t even want to think about it. I will go off the deep end for sure.

I am going to get to work now. I have said my peace for the day. One thing before I go. I don’t suppose anybody out there is rich enough to have a old, good spare laptop? You know, one you just tossed aside because you wanted a new one? Well if you do, I know of a great, tax-deductible place you could donate it too. Stop to think about it, I bet you do too. We would appreciate it and it would surprise Lady A. Really I want to see her cry tears of joy for a change. Seriously think about it. If you do, we would really appreciate it. Or if you would like to make a donation, we would appreciate that as well.

Thank you for listening,

Have a very blessed day,

The Countess

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Companies hiring in July

Companies hiring in July

By Debra Auerbach, CareerBuilder Writer

As of May, 5.4 million people were experiencing long-term unemployment*. If you were to ask any one of them to describe the job market, they probably wouldn’t have many positive things to say.

Yet a new CareerBuilder Talent Crunch survey found that 38 percent of employers currently have open positions for which they can’t find qualified candidates. Why the discrepancy? Yes, jobs are available, but many of those jobs are in highly skilled fields, and there aren’t enough workers with the right credentials to fill those roles.

It’s not like job seekers aren’t trying; 77 percent of job seekers surveyed said they’d be willing to take a job in a different field than the one in which they currently work, and 64 percent knowingly apply for positions for which they don’t possess the required skills.

Luckily, many companies are taking measures to close the skills gap. According to the study, half of employers of all sizes are planning to hire workers who don’t have experience in their particular field or industry and train them. Forty-one percent of companies reported that they currently have programs in place to help alleviate the skills gap, including on-the-job training, mentoring, sending employees back to school and other efforts.

“Prolonged vacancies can result in lower-quality work, lower sales and morale and can cause a delay in creating other related positions within the organization,” says Matt Ferguson, CEO of CareerBuilder. “Fortunately, we see more companies taking matters into their own hands and putting programs in place to retrain and transition workers into their industries or fields.”

If you’re a job seeker who is willing to change fields, or even if you’re not, the 15 companies listed below have jobs available today. The companies cover a variety of industries, and the positions vary by level, type and experience. Openings are available across the country, so if you’re one of the 54 percent from the survey who would be willing to relocate to a new city or state for a job, you have a lot of options.

Here are 15 companies hiring in July:

1. Aaron’s Industry: Furniture Sample job titles: Customer service, manager in training Location: Nationwide

2. Aerojet Industry: Aerospace and engineering Sample job titles: Senior project engineering, manager, estimating and pricing, reliability and safety engineer Location: Sacramento; Redmond, Wash.; Huntsville, Ala.; Camden, Ark.; Washington, D.C.; Socorro, N.M.; Clearfield, Utah; Gainesville, Va.; Culpeper, Va.

3. Bloomin’ Brands (operates Outback Steakhouse, Flemings, Bonefish Grill, Carrabba’s and Roy’s) Industry: Hospitality/restaurant Sample job titles: Hourly front of the house, hourly back of the house, restaurant manager Location: Nationwide

4. CapTech Consulting Industry: Information technology Sample job titles: Java developer, IT project manager, business systems analyst, data warehouse architect, business objects architect, ETL database developer Location: Nationwide

5. Cynergies Solutions Group Industry: Information technology staffing Sample job titles: Project manager, business analyst, application developer, database administrator, system administrator/engineer, quality assurance analyst, data warehousing consultant Location: Cleveland; Columbus; Cincinnati; Pittsburgh; Chicago; Minneapolis; Atlanta; Colorado Springs; Dayton, Ohio; Toledo, Ohio; Raleigh, N.C.; Louisville, Ky.

6. Devereux Foundation Industry: Behavioral health Sample job titles: Development director, direct support professional, teacher’s assistant, residential counselor Location: Pennsylvania, Florida, New Jersey, Arizona, Colorado

7. Farmers Insurance Industry: Insurance Sample job titles: Insurance sales agent, retail agency program Location: New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, Georgia, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin, California, Minnesota

8. GTA Professional Staffing Industry: Engineering staffing firm Sample job titles: Design release engineer, engineering manager, Catia V5 designer Location: Detroit metro area

9. MV Transportation Inc. Industry: Passenger transportation contracting Sample job titles: Safety manager, safety trainer, fleet maintenance manager, general manager, mechanic, fleet technician, driver Location: Nationwide

10. One Touch Direct Industry: Professional services/call center Sample job title: Inside sales representative Location: Tampa

11. Onewest Bank Industry: Finance Sample job titles: Manager, analyst, auditor, teller Location: Nationwide

12. Pacific Pulmonary Services Industry: Respiratory services, customer service Sample job titles: Outside sales representative, field customer service representative, driver — medical equipment, respiratory therapist/sales assistant, district sales manager — health care Location: California, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, Colorado, Wyoming, New Mexico, Texas, Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey

13. Riverside research Industry: Government defense Sample job titles: Linux kernel developer, IT specialist, subcontract administrator, materials physicist Location: New York City; Washington, D.C.; Dayton, Ohio; Boston; Champaign, Ill.; Rosslyn, Va.; Augusta, Ga.; Springfield, Va.

14. Suddenlink Industry: Telecommunications Sample job titles: Direct sales, broadband technician, customer service representative, engineer, information technology professional Location: Arkansas, Arizona, California, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas, West Virginia

15. WMS Industry: Gaming Sample job titles: Game developer, artist Location: Chicago

*Unemployed for 27 weeks or more