A Little Humor For Your Day – “What Things On Your Resume Really, Really Mean, LOL!

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

 

Funny Humor

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A Little Humor for Your Day – What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, any where’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Funny Humor

A Little Humor – How To Recognize Humour (A Funny)

How to Recognize Humour

A Guide for the Genetically Disadvantaged

By Everfool

Dedicated to Loki

From Chamber’s English Dictionary (1989 edition):

Humour (Us: Humor) ‘a mental quality which appreciates and delights in the ludicrous or mirthful: that which causes mirth and amusement: playful fancy’

Humourless ‘petulant’

Irony ‘the Socratic method of discussion by professing ignorance: conveyance of meaning (generally satirical) by words whose literal meaning is the opposite.’

Sarcasm ‘a bitter sneer: a satirical remark in scorn or contempt, often but not necessarily ironical’

Brain ‘in vertebrates, that part of the central nervous system that is contained within the skull…intelligence, common sense’


It has recently become apparent that some viewers of the fine website that is The Cauldron have missed out on one of the exciting developments in the evolution of bipedal mammals: the ability to notice when someone is not being entirely serious.  Because most of the people behind the website are kind, generous people, who would not say a bad word about anyone, the writing of this article has rather naturally fallen to me.

With the intent of making many lives more wholesome and enjoyable, it is my hope to help you to separate ironic humour articles from hideously idiotic editorials.  This is a basic course, however, so don’t get cocky and start reading the transcripts of political speeches.

Useful Clues

1) The presence of the word ‘humour.’  One would think that this is an obvious sign, and certainly I think so, but apparently I’m out of step with the world.  I blame the stuff they put in the water supply.*

Read the article.  Look all over the page.  Examine the web address even.  If anywhere appears the word ‘humour’ in a label format, you should probably move onto deciding whether the article is funny or not.  If you can’t decide on that, please order my new book Is It Funny?retailing at £30.95.

* Shopping trolleys mainly.

2) ‘Tone’ When you read the article, is your first instinct to laugh at how bizarre it is?  Congratulations, it’s probably a humour piece!  While some people are unintentionally funny, most people have to work hard at it.  Come to that, some people have to work hard at basic cognitive functions, but I’m digressing.

3) Content of the rest of the site: Possibly your most useful guide.  The most basic point links back to number one: is this article stored within a section labelled as ‘humour’?  If you can’t handle the ramifications of this one, please see your doctor immediately and tell him you’re not allowed to reproduce. More time consuming is the examination of the rest of the site.  Do all of the pages seem in keeping with the item that originally inflamed your anger?  If you think the article encourages an absurdly ‘fluff bunny’ attitude, the intelligent article on controversies within the Pagan community may change your mind.  May.

4) Ask the people who run the website whether they’re being serious.  This may save you the effort of remembering all those interesting words your dad/uncle/priest used to use when they smelled of domestic bleach, and will save you embarrassment if you ever planned on holding a conversation with representatives of the site.

This concludes the basic guide to spotting humour.

Remember to look out for:

  • Convenient label systems.
  • Tone.
  • Context/accompanying content.
  • Hints from the owner of the site that it’s frigging humour.

And if this doesn’t help, frankly we’re going to send the flying monkeys after you.

Daily OM for August 18 – Taking the Risk

Taking the Risk

Permission to Be Real

byMadisyn Taylor

When we present ourselves to the world without a mask and keep it real, we offer the same opportunity for others to do the same.

Most of us are familiar with the idea of keeping it real and have an intuitive sense about what that means. People who keep it real don’t hide behind a mask to keep themselves safe from their fear of how they might be perceived. They don’t present a false self in order to appear more perfect, more powerful, or more independent. People who keep it real present themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would rather hide, sharing their full selves with the people who are lucky enough to know them.

Being real in this way is not an easy thing to do as we live in a culture that often shows us images of physical and material perfection. As a result, we all want to look younger, thinner, wealthier, and more successful. We are rewarded externally when we succeed at this masquerade, but people who are real remind us that, internally, we suffer. Whenever we feel that who we are is not enough and that we need to be bigger, better, or more exciting, we send a message to ourselves that we are not enough. Meanwhile, people who are not trying to be something more than they are walk into a room and bring a feeling of ease, humor, and warmth with them. They acknowledge their wrinkles and laugh at their personal eccentricities without putting themselves down.

People like this inspire us to let go of our own defenses and relax for a moment in the truth of who we really are. In their presence, we feel safe enough to take off our masks and experience the freedom of not hiding behind a barrier. Those of us who were lucky enough to have a parent who was able to keep it real may find it easier to be that way ourselves. The rest of us may have to work a little harder to let go of our pretenses and share the beauty and humor of our real selves. Our reward for taking such a risk is that as we do, we will attract and inspire others, giving them the permission to be real too.